Well..My dear, no one said I was going to be like other mothers.

I am not a fluffy, happy pregnant woman.

I am not one of those women who revels in the beauty of an expanding belly and blossoming breasts. Birds don;t break out into song at the very sight of my fecundity and I have YET to have anyone dare to touch my belly.

I know it isn't very hip of me to admit but I really DON'T like this being pregnant thing.

Don't get me wrong...I guess I should explain.

I am five and a half months pregnant and so excited to meet my son (yes indeed that is what I was told that spare "part" was on the U/S) I could just squeal like a little school girl but I am just not into this whole "miracle" that is, in essence human incubation.

I liked being 106 pounds. I enjoyed dragging around 100+ pounds of camera gear by myself up 4 flights of stairs. I LOVED my oysters, raw tuna sashimi and glass or three of red wine. I was a pro at being absolutely selfish and after 38 years of it was well on my way to a doctorate in Child-free-dom. I "dated" children I didn't have them. I had a string of unsuccessful relationships with men who were anything but stable father material. My work was my baby. I looked at mother dragging around 3 kids under 10 with a tenuous if not threadbare hold on sanity and wondered when was the last time they had a conversation that didn't include talk of pre-school, sleep schedules or car seats. I was blissfully ignorant and planned on staying that way.

I had a great career and a super amazing family and then it happened.

I got pregnant.

I knew it before the dipstick screamed the + sign back at me. I had all the symptoms. I had eaten enough hummus to sink a small ship over the previous days and there just wasn't enough blazingly spicy salsa to quench my desire for it. While not stuffing my face with said food I just felt plain queazy....my breast were bursting out of my bra as though Fabio would make an appearance momentarily to whisk me away on his white horse.

So after a whole bunch of excitement, anxiety and just pure determination I find myself here at 5 months.

It has been anything but magical. I am sure I will write more about that later.

I felt horrible about not being such a "grateful" mom, not being such a "natural" mom. I wondered why everything made me angry and terrififed...I read Jenny McCarthy's book about pregnancy and laughed out loud..I then cried until my eyes swelled shut.

All of this is to say that I am doing my best. God I am scared but I am also curiously optimistic about meeting my little buddy in January..so onwards and upwards on my quest to meet Baby Gray.

Till soon,
Almost..well maybe..Mom